My Struggle With PCOS

If you are about to read this and haven't read Kyle and my family blog then stop now and read it at this link: http://kyleamber.blogspot.jp/2013/07/an-emotional-year.html This won't make since to you until you do! Oh yes and grab a tissue.

This blog is not one of my happy cheery blogs because it is a blog that I am hoping to share my personal healing from our tragedy this year and how it built my faith in God. I also want to warn you there are some slightly graphic parts.

When I was told three years ago I am unable to conceive, I sat down with Kyle (who I was not yet engaged too) and I asked him if he was ok with that. I told him he was more than welcome to walk away because I know he has told me countless times he wants children. That amazing man that I married said something like this: "Amber, I love you more than anything in this world. I will not leave you no matter what the problem is, your problems are mine. We can always adopt a child and if God wants us to have children He will provide." I believe about a month or so later, we were engaged.

I have a heart for children that only few have been blessed with, I am constantly being told, "Ms. Amber you aren't like other grown-ups." or "Ms. Amber you always play with the kids and we like that about you." or "Ms. Amber we think you are really just a big kid." Nothing makes me happier than spending the day having fun with some kids. I want to be a soccer mom, even if that means I will have to drive the dreaded mini-van EWW!  My dream is to open a day care and have a carload of mini-Kyle's running around our house. I know, I'm crazy.

When I was told that I couldn't conceive my world was shattered. I felt like the thing that I as a person, as a woman was designed to do I couldn't do. I was so angry at God. I thought, I've been nothing but faithful how could this happen to me? Me? What's wrong with me? Why am I broken? It took me a very long time to come to terms with everything. One day when I was crying and yelling at God in the shower (that's always my come to Jesus time), God put on my heart the power of adoption. I researched adoption the expenses (We totally want to do foster to adopt when we get about 35-40). It's very inexpensive and both Kyle and I have discussed wanting to adopt an older child that wouldn't necessarily be adopted since so many people love babies. God also put on my heart to pray for it. So for the past three years, about once a week I take out an hour of my time to pray solely for my fertility.

God has blessed our family with so many miracles I can't even list them all. He truly has been our rock during all of this.

When the doctor told me I was having a miscarriage, my world was shattered again. I was heart broken. The guilt I felt about my body failing me was devastating. I couldn't go home that evening. Kyle took me to a close friends house who has experience with miscarriage and if it wasn't for this person I don't know what I would have done. That Friday evening I took a shower, I literally could not stop bleeding. I was pouring blood everywhere from this blood clot and all I could do was cry and cry and cry. I was sobbing so loud in the shower that Kyle came in the bathroom and stood there the entire time as I tried to literally wipe the blood off my hands. I felt so guilty.

When I finally did get through showering, Kyle and I had one of the hardest conversations I have ever had about the guilt I felt. The wonderful man that he is, had so many wise things to say to me as we shared the grief we felt. He pointed out to me that had I not gone through this I would have never been diagnosed officially with PCOS, I would have had no idea I can conceive, and that because we believe in our Savior one day we will meet our baby in Heaven where he/she will say, "Hi Mom and Dad, I'm Alien."

Through all of this I have felt true fear, true love, true loss, and true hope. It took me a few weeks to come to terms that the blood clot was random, out of my control and it wasn't my fault. Our miscarriage has brought Kyle and I closer than ever and more faithful to God than ever. I have chosen to praise God in the storms and in the sunshine and I hope you choose to do the same. Without Him, I wouldn't know where to begin to handle my miscarriage. Thank you all for praying and thinking about my family.

With Love,
Amber

5 Things I Was Not Prepared For-

If you're reading this then I'm sure you read the blog that Kyle and I have from our perspective, which means you are aware of all the preparations we have been making for deployment. I figured that since this blog is told from my perspective as a military spouse, I would make this one all about the ways I have not been prepared for preparations. That's a lot of prepared in one sentence!

1. I was not prepared for the overwhelming feeling I keep getting when Kyle is doing something that he usually does (taking out the trash, filling my gas tank, taking care of the pets etc). This is a feeling of extreme gratitude mixed with fear.  I am so grateful for all the wonderful things my husband does for me, but I am afraid of not doing things as well as he does when he isn't here. Will Eli be okay when his best friend is gone? Will the "stupid cat" throw up a lot when Kyle is gone? How am I going to take care of everything when he's gone? 

Luckily, I have a wonderful support system of people volunteering to help when it's needed. (Especially Noah, who is charging me a whole $5 a week to walk Eli in the afternoons, take the trash out and pump my gas!) Who wouldn't take an 11 year old up on that offer?!? He has also offered to mow the yard when needed, change the cat litter box and clean out my car. I thought the litter box and cleaning my car I can handle, either that or Kyle is going to come home to two disastrously mess cars!

2. I was not prepared for this feeling of excitement. To some people this may sound weird that I am excited for my husband to deploy, so let me iterate this; I am in no way shape or form wanting this. I am excited for my husband to go out and see parts of the world that I will probably never go, to support our country and other people while he does a job that he enjoys. I am also excited to see how each of us grows individually while we are separated. I have many things planned to keep me busy while Kyle is gone and I know that he has plans for things he wants to work on while he is gone. 

3. I was not prepared for the amount of people who just listen to me rant. We all know I can talk ALOT, but my mind is going ten times faster than normal lately. I tend to just speak what is going through my mind. I have three friends who I seem to be doing this too a lot lately, and they have all been so supportive. None of them have told me they are tired of listening to me talk about it which has been awesome because I feel so much better when I get it out. My poor boss gets to listen to me everyday on her lunch break just chit chatting away. (I wouldn't blame her if she tunes me out 3/4th the time). My friend Christina who is at Dragon Boat practice with me talks as much as I do so you get us two going and it's the world's longest chat fest. Last but not least is my friend Lori, she gets all the emotions. She is my neighbor and close friend and to say she hears a lot is an understatement! 

4. I was not prepared for the lack of fear. I can 100% say I am not afraid. One thing I have learned from living in Okinawa is that God has complete control, in my life. I know that He will take care of Kyle and I forever. We will experience storms and trials but through it all He will be there supporting us. I know that God is going to take care of my husband as is His will. I am not afraid of Kyle's safety, his job, or the fact I won't be able to talk to my best friend all the time. I feel nervous about being lonely when Kyle is gone, but I am not afraid. 

5. Lastly, I was not prepared for the support! Man are their a lot of groups that support you when your spouse is leaving soon. We have the Family Center, the USO, the Squadron, our Church, our Bible Study Group, and our friends. When you board a plane and travel to the other side of the world with you new husband and a few suitcases while the rest of your stuff is floating on a boat somewhere between here and there, there is this feeling of loneliness. What if no one likes me? What if I don't fit in with the women at Church? What if I can't find a job? What if I am stuck sitting at home all day with a hundred cats because I have no friends? (Okay maybe that last one didn't go through my head). Here we are over a year into our tour in Okinawa, and man is there some amazing support! If you can't find friends or hate this place then you need to look around. I can honestly say this place has become home and my friends are as important to me as my family back home. The lines between friends and family blur when you are overseas with no family. To know that all these people are standing behind you is an awesome feeling! 

Thanks for listening to me rant out all my feelings! 

Amber

Beauty Will Rise

There is a song I love called, "Beauty Will Rise". In it a family is looking forward to a wedding in the Spring after facing a horrible tragedy over the past year. Well, I haven't faced a horrible tragedy at all but instead I am facing an internal battle of trusting God in His timing and His will.

"For still the vision awaits its appointed time; it hastens to the end—it will not lie. If it seems slow, wait for it; it will surely come; it will not delay. Habakkuk 2:3 (ESV)"

I want to continue my college, so last July I spoke to an advisor about all of my best options for college. We agreed that my best option was to apply for Pell Grants and scholarships first, so I did just that. $7,500 later I showed back up with all the money I could find to help cover my school costs. We then discussed the option of going to school through the Main Campus of CTC, since I am a legal resident of Texas. I decided that I would rather have an online Associates degree and pay MUCH less money than get a degree through the Okinawa Campus. I left his office very encouraged and excited. I submitted my application to the online advisors and waited impatiently for a response. A few weeks later I received an email saying I needed to obtain copies off an LES (Pay stub) and my military ID in order to prove I am a military dependent, so I can get even more discounts. YAY! Free money, my favorite thing to hear. After getting the LES from the exact dates they needed and submitting it in. I impatiently waited for another few weeks for a response. Then came the day, the day that I was looking forward to so bad! I got the email and it said something along the lines of how I had been accepted, all of my financial aide had been processed and I was ready to start class on January 20th as soon as I complete my placement exam. Here I was where, I worked for months to get to and all I had left was one measly placement exam that I could pass with flying colors. I waited a couple weeks until I had a weekday off since I had plenty of time and took my test in November. I took my two hour test, and analyzed those two poems with plenty of skill to get into a community college. I then submitted my exam and came back the next week after I hadn't heard back yet. To my not-so-shocked self, my advisor told me I made a 100 on the math and my writing analysis was excellent! Yay! I was in, but why had I not received anything from main campus. Then came the surprise that ruined it all.  My advisor then told me that main campus wants me to take a placement exam that they don't offer at the Okinawa Campus. I asked him what my options were and we went to a couple other colleges and asked if they offered this placement exam to see if I could take it proctored with their college (a routine thing since we are on such a small island). After talking to them with no luck we had no idea what to do, so we hoped for the best and submitted the placement exams I had already taken in hopes they would accept them anyway. They didn't. Actually they told me that while I did an excellent job on those exams they were not the placement exam that they offer for main campus and would not do the job. By this point I was so mad I just closed the laptop and didn't think about it for a few days. How can one exam be good enough for one campus of the college but not good enough for the other campus? Now here we are at a standstill. After much prayer and discussion we decided that if this is any indication of what it's going to be like trying to communicate with people in Texas, that I should go to college at the local campus and pay quite a bit more money. Now we are at ground zero but this time with 11 days to complete what I've been working on for 6 months. Oh yes, did I mention the college is closed until January 6th, and I need it submitted by January 14th?

So, here I am, feeling like I failed, when it dawns on me. God has a plan in all of this. God is going to take care of me, if it is in His will, I will go to college come January 20th and if it isn't then we will see if it is in His will for me to go in August. Right now, I am waiting for the Beauty to Rise from all of these setbacks. I know God has something in store that is way more than I could ever imagine. He has already done so much with our life, that I never dreamed of.