If you are about to read this and haven't read Kyle and my family blog then stop now and read it at this link: http://kyleamber.blogspot.jp/2013/07/an-emotional-year.html This won't make since to you until you do! Oh yes and grab a tissue.
This blog is not one of my happy cheery blogs because it is a blog that I am hoping to share my personal healing from our tragedy this year and how it built my faith in God. I also want to warn you there are some slightly graphic parts.
When I was told three years ago I am unable to conceive, I sat down with Kyle (who I was not yet engaged too) and I asked him if he was ok with that. I told him he was more than welcome to walk away because I know he has told me countless times he wants children. That amazing man that I married said something like this: "Amber, I love you more than anything in this world. I will not leave you no matter what the problem is, your problems are mine. We can always adopt a child and if God wants us to have children He will provide." I believe about a month or so later, we were engaged.
I have a heart for children that only few have been blessed with, I am constantly being told, "Ms. Amber you aren't like other grown-ups." or "Ms. Amber you always play with the kids and we like that about you." or "Ms. Amber we think you are really just a big kid." Nothing makes me happier than spending the day having fun with some kids. I want to be a soccer mom, even if that means I will have to drive the dreaded mini-van EWW! My dream is to open a day care and have a carload of mini-Kyle's running around our house. I know, I'm crazy.
When I was told that I couldn't conceive my world was shattered. I felt like the thing that I as a person, as a woman was designed to do I couldn't do. I was so angry at God. I thought, I've been nothing but faithful how could this happen to me? Me? What's wrong with me? Why am I broken? It took me a very long time to come to terms with everything. One day when I was crying and yelling at God in the shower (that's always my come to Jesus time), God put on my heart the power of adoption. I researched adoption the expenses (We totally want to do foster to adopt when we get about 35-40). It's very inexpensive and both Kyle and I have discussed wanting to adopt an older child that wouldn't necessarily be adopted since so many people love babies. God also put on my heart to pray for it. So for the past three years, about once a week I take out an hour of my time to pray solely for my fertility.
God has blessed our family with so many miracles I can't even list them all. He truly has been our rock during all of this.
When the doctor told me I was having a miscarriage, my world was shattered again. I was heart broken. The guilt I felt about my body failing me was devastating. I couldn't go home that evening. Kyle took me to a close friends house who has experience with miscarriage and if it wasn't for this person I don't know what I would have done. That Friday evening I took a shower, I literally could not stop bleeding. I was pouring blood everywhere from this blood clot and all I could do was cry and cry and cry. I was sobbing so loud in the shower that Kyle came in the bathroom and stood there the entire time as I tried to literally wipe the blood off my hands. I felt so guilty.
When I finally did get through showering, Kyle and I had one of the hardest conversations I have ever had about the guilt I felt. The wonderful man that he is, had so many wise things to say to me as we shared the grief we felt. He pointed out to me that had I not gone through this I would have never been diagnosed officially with PCOS, I would have had no idea I can conceive, and that because we believe in our Savior one day we will meet our baby in Heaven where he/she will say, "Hi Mom and Dad, I'm Alien."
Through all of this I have felt true fear, true love, true loss, and true hope. It took me a few weeks to come to terms that the blood clot was random, out of my control and it wasn't my fault. Our miscarriage has brought Kyle and I closer than ever and more faithful to God than ever. I have chosen to praise God in the storms and in the sunshine and I hope you choose to do the same. Without Him, I wouldn't know where to begin to handle my miscarriage. Thank you all for praying and thinking about my family.
With Love,
Amber
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